watcher1964's Xanga

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 02:09:05 GMT

My shrink says I should try writing every night like I used too when I got out of the Army. So You all can blame Her for the onslaught of words that shall follow henceforth.

I tried being a good soldier

I tried being a good student

I tried being a good friend

I tried being a good fighter

I tried being a good husband

I tried being a good hunter

I tried being a good father

I tried being a good singer

I tried being a good lover

I tried being a good killer

I tried being a good christian

I tried being a happy go lucky casual drinker

I tried being a good guy

I tried being a dealer

I tried being crazy

I tried being a nice guy

I tried not to hurt

I tried not to cry

I tried being a dancer

I tried being a leader

I tried being a writer

I guess I tried a lot of things

Now it's time to do what I know is right

Just need to try and remember what exactly that is

Gotta try harder

Try to remember

Try to forget

Keep trying till I get it? Right

Try try again

I won't know until

I try, it's all I can do

Try to understand

I tried

I will keep trying

I will try to have something to say next time

Try to bear with me

I've had a real trying time

I guess I should try to get some sleep

I try not to laugh at that

Try as I may, Try as I might

Well I tried writing tonight

Can't blame me for trying

Why don't You try it sometime?

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 22:52:02 GMT

I just don't know

Trying not to let it rise

Trying to keep it down

Trying

Saw Jesus in the unemployment line

God, another bad day

Trying to believe in something

Forget something else

Trying

Saw Jesus eating a fish sandwich in a free kitchen

Oh God, just another bad day

Part of me wants to scream

Part of me wants to cry

Part of me refuses to give in

I just don't know

Trying

I saw Jesus begging for change to buy some wine

God damn it's another bad day

I remember youthful dreams

I try to forget adult nightmares

I grow so tired

But I can't give up

Gotta keep on

Trying

And I saw Jesus in the park

He was playing a home made guitar

He was singing the blues

I tossed him some change

And he smiled

And slowly said

"Keep on believing, keep on trying; it will get better"

And the sun came out

And I turned around

And I smiled

And I'll be damned if I didn't feel a little better

Gotta believe

Gotta keep on

Trying

Friday, February 04, 2005

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 03:59:55 GMT

On Target

Take a shot, oops, missed the target.

So I stare at an unblinking bullseye waiting for it to blink.

Waste of time?

Perhaps.

But at least now I can see the target for what it is.

Attainable.

Refocus.

Breathe.

Relax.

Aim.

Squeeze.

Closer but not quite on the mark.

O.K.

Now the bullseye appears to be winking.

O.K. this is getting weird now.

Breathe.

Focus.

Look into the bullseye and what do I see?

Reflection.

Time to refocus again.

Adjust sights, consider the variable factors.

Prepare.

O.K.

Breathe.

Relax.

Aim.

Squeeze.

Bullseye!

Right on the mark.

Perfect shot.

Finished?

Hell No!

New target in sight.

Might have to readjust again but now I know how.

Breathe.

Relax.

Aim.

Squeeze.

(Dedicated to the last group in 2005.)

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 03:13:38 GMT

These moments I wish would quickly pass

Other times I wish they would never end

The confusion, enlightenment, reality of a dream

I wish I could take a long drink

Wash it away in one gulp

Then I remember I am sober these days

And I want to scream at times

Raise my voice to the heavens

Then I remember no one really cares

Alone in an overcrowded world

Yet I know there are others

Like me

I want to call my uncle Tony

He always has an answer

Then I remember he's been dead for years

I want to break down

Let tears fall free

But I haven't cried since the doctors released me

I never asked for this

Except for maybe in jest

Careful what you wish for

Depressiom

Post Traumatic Stress

This is my life

I wish I could sleep

Escape into a dream

Then I recall that I'm an insomniac

I wish I wasn't so trusting

Or so hurtful

Why must it be like this?

The knife beckons

Crying for crimson release

Then I remember I am not really into pain

I have so much to say

So many stories to tell

Yet I have trouble finding the words

You don't know me

Would you want to?

What if I let the demons dance?

Cutting the puppet strings

Still they twirl around

Like Gepetto's bastard son

I want to cry out

This is me

This is who I am

The abused child

The abusive adult

The one who felt the pain

The child raped

The angry youth

The stoned freak in the corner

The one who saw

The one who felt

The one who can never forget

This is me

This is my life

This is my reality

The drowning kid

The overdosed freak on the sidewalk

The one who was stabbed

Haunted by ghosts

The children unborn

The ones I never knew

I remember the explosion

The flames

Another home gone

I can still see the eyes

The dark black holes

Eyes of a terrorist

I can see the blood

Flowing out of my son

Due to my ignorance

I hate being alone

But lately the problem is

I don't want to be around others

I look at my scars

Some faded with time

Each with their own tale to tell

I want something

I wish I new

What I really need

I don't want pity

Understand if you will

I just don't know

These words will remain

Long after I am gone

I wish someone could explain what they mean

In time

Things will change

But I guess, this isn't the time

Friday, October 08, 2004

Fri, 08 Oct 2004 22:12:01 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

So your sister relayed your birthday wish

The song has been erased

All my trust and love

Destroyed without a trace

I loved you when you were a frog

I ignored the constant stares

So now you have become a princess

And have discarded the love we shared

Tossed into the swamp of rejection

You would have me drown

But I have news for you bitch

I refuse to go down

Prance around in your new disguise

Followed by your new sniffing dog

You may appear as a princess

But deep down you shall always be a frog

Fuck you Lisa

Your loss

My wings carry me on

As you can only hop

Thank you for the memories

Some were good I guess

Thanks for betraying me

For now I am blessed

For you have opened my eyes

To what I did not want to see

For in your pretty eyes

Hid something ugly

No more baggage must I carry

No more of your pathetic whims

I am free to find a Queen

While in your swamp you swim

Freedom at last

The greatest gift of all

Face my future, free from the past

I soar on high and watch you fall

No more

No less

Farewell

I'm blessed

And you weren't that good of a lay anyway

Fuckin' little fool

But I confess I wish you well anyway

Even if you curse my name

For we knew it wouldn't last

Face it, you lost this game

Kiss kiss

G-bye

And no tears fall from my eye

Let your ghosts keep you warm at night

No more

No less

No regrets

No apologies

Thank you Lisa

For your gift

Now hop away

As my wings uplift

Freedom, how sweet the taste

As your bitterness is replaced

See you around

As I look down

Friday, July 23, 2004

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 04:37:46 GMT

Chicago, 2-26-86. Written about Lucia. That's all I want to say about this.

Anniversary

And today was the day

Anniversary

Two months together

But she is not

Here

So alone I drink

And I can't

Explain

The empty feeling inside

So short the moments

Time

We spent together

And I miss

Her

Like I've known her for years

And I wish I could sprout

Wings

And fly to her side

Yet this is but

Illusion

As I touch her by phone

Yes, I'm helplessly in

Love

And it's because of this I'll always

Wait to see her

Friday, July 23, 2004

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 04:28:33 GMT

Wrote this in Chicago on February 3, 1986. More than likely I was intoxicated.

Porno

The poet's pen

Orgasms

Upon the paper

Creating new

Birth

To a concept

Sliding ever so

Gracefully

Upon the smooth surface

Ecstatic feeling

Overcomes

The sense of writing

Flowing within

And

Without pause

Finally the

Climax

Sends it's word

End

Friday, July 23, 2004

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 04:21:23 GMT

Wrote this while sober and depressed, no big surprise there. Wrote it on June 5, 1987.

Where Are You?

Where are you?

Are you out there?

Where are you?

Are you anywhere?

All I know is you're not here

And I have to make it clear

I missed you tonight

I miss you every night

The cursed phone

It never rings

As I wait here alone

In silent suffering

Where are you?

I need you

Where are you?

I love you

Too soon you left me

For the sake of leaving

And it hurts

And I'm lonely

And I just don't understand

You said it was love

So where are you now?

Three strikes

I'm out

Time for a new game plan

Where are you?

Can you hear me?

There's no longer a you

There's only...me

Friday, July 23, 2004

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 04:07:31 GMT

I wrote this on June 9, 1987. I know I was sober when I wrote it.

The Frozen Sleepers

Where is the light?

Where is the warmth?

Where are our families?

Where are our friends?

What day is it?

What month?

What year?

What is going on out there?

Where is our freedom?

Why is it so cold?

How long have we been sleeping?

Who will awaken us?

What will we see?

What will we feel?

What will we do?

Who remembers us?

Who will answer?

Friday, July 23, 2004

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 03:52:28 GMT

This is one of my favorites, wrote it very early in the morning of May 20, 1993. Made for a pretty cool song. Enjoy.

Jesus Wept

Christ's blood is being used for painting graphitti

His crown of thorns replaced with drug filled needles

His three spikes are now hollow-point bullets

His robes have been turned into a soldier's uniform

The spear that pierced him is now an atomic warhead

His cross is now a poor child's coffin

Something is terribly wrong

Mankind took a wrong step

The prophet caught a glimpse

This is why Jesus wept

In the name of progress man destroys paradise

Can you hear Mother Earth's tortured screams?

We are guilty of a terrible crime

Time will come when we all must pay

Destroying the future by ignorant misdeeds

Condemning our children through Mother Earth's matricide

Something is terribly wrong

Mankind took a wrong step

The prophet caught a glimpse

This is why Jesus wept

The Garden is filled with radiation

Acid rain burns tears from my eyes

Manmade poisons invade my body

I lose my breath as the rainforest burns

All God's creatures are being slaughtered

We blind our eyes and just walk away

Something is terribly wrong

Mankind took a wrong step

The prophet caught a glimpse

This is why Jesus wept